Monday, October 6, 2008

I feel so weird.....

So, my bipolar is having World War 67 in my body, and I don't like it. For example - right now, I'm really excited because I got three new Ceramic books, I started a sculpture of my leg that we don't have to even begin till thursday, I finished the one of my arm that we are supposed to finish tomorrow in class, my friend Britany and I are going to talk to our professor about building a Soda Kiln at school, I found five glazes in my new glaze book that I want to try out..... in other words, I'm starting to DO STUFF.....but, on the other hand - my body is freaking out - pissed off this morning for no reason, pushing people away from me that are my friends, getting mad at alex for something stupid that he can't help, mad at my husband...... just stupid shit. I don't want to be angry, or seclusive, or pissed off.... I just am.

I hope some body understands, cause I surely don't.

I'm tired of investing myself so much into so many people that either a) don't give a damn, or b) don't feel like they need to invest their time in me. I shouldn't have to be pathetic and beg people to hang out with me, including my own husband, but sometimes I feel like I do. But then, on the flip-side, I'm coming to realize that I'm everywhere, all the time. I never slow down. I work hard, play hard and sleep hard. But, I like that. I never really have time to think anymore - which I like. In these modern times they (who's they??) make it really difficult for anyone to be absolutly, completely, alone. I'm not saying that I'm afraid to be alone - because I love hanging out with just me and alex, or being by myself in the house, just doing my own thing.... but it's when I'm out - when I'm driving, when I'm throwing, when I'm grooming, when I'm lost inside myself, and inside my thoughts and ideas and craziness, that scares me.
My teacher asked me the other day if I have A.D.D. Maybe I do..... I'm always running from one thing to the next, it's hard for me to just sit still when there is so much stuff to DO. Wake up, get dressed, get alex up, feed alex, pack up car, go to school, make clay, make glazes, read, do research, go to class, eat lunch, run upstairs, make copies, hang posters, do this, do that.....
I love being busy, it's the sadness I feel inside myself that I don't love.

I miss Ryan and Jill. They made me calm down and sit and relax and watch a movie without doing five things at once, and just be.
I miss Heather and two years ago. When I was living in the RV and just being me. Now, don't get me wrong, I am happy and I am so glad for the past two years of my life - but it was nice, then, to be alone. After Myles broke off our wedding and I was just for 5 months. It was nice. I didn't have to divide myself up between so many things that I can't keep track of..... I didn't feel like people and things and projects were just chipping away at me, piece by piece.

I look in the mirror now and I see wrinkles, and lines on my face that I don't remember getting, and I see my mother. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing - but I just don't want it to go so fast that I start forgetting things. I forgot the death-a-versary of Ryan. Which made me sad. I'm forgetting so much that happened to me - my old counselor was right - I did need to write things down so I would remember..... and now all those times my therapist told me to have a diary really means something. I never wrote in a diary - ever. And now I'm missing everything. My ex-boyfriend's dad had a journal he wrote in everyday. I once asked him why, and what he wrote, and he said "I just don't want to forget what I did on this day ever" and I said, "All we did was go to church have lunch and then hang out all afternoon and then had dinner" and he said "exactly".

All I did today was go to school and then to work and then came home and worked on a project.